09/06/2024

I feel as triumphant as I feel anxious and concerned and guilty. Ed's behaviour was enough, but hearing about his treatment directly from him, as well as from Buttons has me wondering if I've less given him an opportunity to grow and more an avenue for even more senseless suffering. I never deluded myself into thinking he was without risk - this job is what it is and I've suffered my fair share of injuries and losses - but I was somewhat naïve, certainly, about the judgement he would face from his would-be peers. I hear he has at least one solid ally, likely two, which assuages my guilt somewhat. Both are performing solidly in all areas according to Buttons, so I'm rooting for them to earn the other positions available.

Getting Ed to open up about his feelings even slightly feels like a win too. Witnessing death up close is never easy, and I hate that he has been faced with that so early into training, but it was inevitable and I am hoping I can provide both comfort and reassurance while he processes the many complex feelings it evokes. It's thrilling and worrying that he holds so much...affection for me already. I'm almost certain that he's aware of my position in that regard, though I'm not sure he has picked up on the warring relief and dismay I felt when he refrained from kissing me. I saw it coming, I fought myself to try and stop it, and yet I'm still playing through scenarios in my head where I didn't, where I met him in the middle, where I threw all caution to the wind and took the initiative to kiss him instead.

It's a dangerous game I am thinking of playing here. That I'm already playing, probably.

Either way, we're going to have to address it, maybe even lay out its rules, or we're both going to be driven to distrction.