03

04/06/24

The concept of feeling better in the morning can only truly work if you manage to fall asleep for an extended period. I prided myself on my ability to fall into a rather solid sleep whenever needed, wherever possible. It's a highly valuable skill in this field, when you never know how long you'll have to stay alert, when you'll next reach safety enough to risk rest.

 

It's worryin

infuriat

 

Though it is just one sleepless night in the grand scheme of things, I know there’s still a chance I’ll be able to collapse into another brief sleep still before I am expected at HQ, the fact that I am struggling to sleep because of someone else, because of the mere thought of someone else, has me on edge.

 

I keep replaying the evening and my dream on loop, analysing the details and, unfortunately becoming distracted by several for a while. Perhaps it is just my traitorous heart doing as it wants or my brain concocting things from the sudden frequent lack of oxygen to it, but I want to bel

I believe that Ed is similarly distracted and drawn to me, and not just because of the opportunity that Kingsman presents, that I presented to him.

The invitation, his stance, the tone his voice took, the way that he changed in an instant when I rejected him. He looked hurt, and that should not affect me to such an extent, to any extent really, and yet here I am at the approach of dawn, stewing in my own mess of feelings.

 

It really is a mess.

 

How could I have become so lost to infatuation in days? Perhaps my father was right about my defects, because I seem hell bent on my own destruction. Especially given that my brain is fixated on the idea that taking action will get this out of my system. Both of our systems. Make fantasy a reality for an evening, cleanse our minds and bodies of this distraction, and then we will be free to focus on what is important – Ed’s future and that of the agency.

 

Lord knows taking matters into my own hands has so far only exacerbated the issue.