03/06/24

I haven't been awoken from a dream like this since my early twenties, and it's...disconcerting, to say the least.

Highly unprofessional.

Potentially dangerous.

It will do me no good to try to lie to myself in the hopes of washing this away, pretending it into oblivion, but I do need a solution to nip this in the bud before it escalates into something that could put any of us at risk. I used to keep a dream journal in my youth and found it cleared my head, helped me process the thoughts that may have inspired my nocturnal adventures, or at the least provided entertainment when looking back at some of the bizarre things my brain conjured up. This most recent dream, while mortifying, may benefit from later personal analysis. Either way, better it take space on paper instead of my brain.

I had sex with Ed.

It was incredibly vivid in every sense and has me questioning my motives, my integrity, my life outside of the agency. In this dream, Ed cornered me in the briefing room and asked for additional training, making it very clear from his tone, his stance, and eventually his touch that he wanted something of a far more intimate nature. I laughed and told him I was certain he had more than enough training and could likely teach me a just as much as I could teach him, which led him to suggest we find out for certain. 

The warmth of his mouth and hands, the chill of sweat in the night air, the ache in my chest and my cock... Every sensation felt real and followed me to the waking world. I have had nightmares chase me into daylight but never have I had something I wanted carry over. Seldom have I felt ashamed for wanting something either. The feeling could drive me to distraction if I'm not careful.

I've put in an immediate request for counselling to discuss this development further so as to nip whatever this is in the bud before it becomes problematic. Of course, there'll be additional safeguards in place to ensure none of what is spoken there or written here escapes containment, both for my sake and for Ed's future at Kingsman.