The client who is identified here solely as S for privacy purposes, is a single New Zealander male. He came in to counselling in a teal turtleneck and pressed navy slacks and his grooming was clean and appropriate. S is a regular client who has been previously diagnosed with CPTSD and anxiety, and is processing anger, sadness and feelings of inadequacy stemming from childhood mental, emotional and physical abuse and workplace stress. The nature of his work prevents us from fully delving into the latter, which poses a number of issues for the therapeutic process, however his most recent concerns in this regard are of a sexual and moral nature, which are somewhat more accessible than usual.

 

The transcript below is for personal and mentor review, to ensure the client’s needs for both therapeutic benefit and anonymity are covered in full.

 

• AW: So, how have you been this week, S----?

S: [long pause, deep inhale] Unusually distracted, conflicted, on top of the usual sort of painfully busy. [single, harsh, humourless laugh]

• AW: Having an additional emotional load on top of an already rather taxing job must be a lot to handle.

S: Or not handle, which I suspect is the path I have actually taken, unfortunately.

• AW: I think you’re being unfairly harsh on yourself here, S----.

S: I expected you’d say that.

• AW: At least you are aware of your habits.

S: Yet apparently not enough to nip them in the bud.

• AW: It’s a process. Self-awareness is one step. Applying that knowledge is a series of others. You need to have patience and kindness for yourself along the way.

S: [long pause] I’m not entirely sure what that would look like, to be perfectly honest.

• AW: I think you do, though the concept of taking that which you give to others to yourself as well is a bit of a puzzle for you.

S: [pause, pained expression]

• AW: You wish to ensure that nobody has to endure what you have, but you still feel that you deserve the pain you have endured. Why do you think that is?

S: I think perhaps I still see myself as defective, not only because of what my father told me as I was growing up, but because of what others have instilled in my and the choices I have made since.

• AW: Is it possible that you have been surrounded only by people in your father’s circle and that your choices have been informed by all of that?

S: [long pause, sigh, shrug]

• AW: I can see there’s something on your mind. Let’s talk it through.

S: I’m...questioning my hiring choices. Wondering if I’m pushing too many boundaries, making...unwise choices.

• AW: Go on.

S: I was tasked with presenting a candidate for an open position at work. We have a long-standing tradition of hiring graduates from the big five, the elites of the country in social, academic and economic standing. It’s a tradition I personally find, to be frank, utter horseshit. Sorry, is that-

• AW: Don’t worry about language here. You can say whatever the hell you wish.

S: [chuckle] That is a relief. I’m not usually one to resort to vulgar speech, but every so often there’s simply no better or more cathartic way to express oneself than just...getting it all fucking out there.

• AW: Too true. So, this candidate?

S: Ah, yes. I chose a man who is under-privileged. Brilliant mind, incredibly street smart and skilled in many ways, conventional and otherwise, but lacking direction and training that would see him blossom into an absolute dream of an...employee in my field.

• AW: This wasn’t just a charitable act though, was it?

S: Not at all. Certainly, it was an act of rebellion on my part, to some extent, though he was chosen primarily due to his potential. I believe he can go on to do great things with my agency’s help. I know he will.

• AW: Yet, there is a dilemma here that isn’t just due to the unorthodox nature of his candidacy.

S: Quite. I [long pause] We have only been acquainted for a short time but it has been a very...elucidating and emotional period. I fear that I am developing some unprofessional feelings for him and this...worries me.

• AW: Because of the power dynamic?

S: Yes, as well as the potential impact for both of us in the workplace.

• AW: Are workplace dalliances frowned upon in your field?

S: Not outright, though it is unwise due to the nature of our work. I can’t afford to become distracted, nor can I afford to jeopardise his chances of employment. I would never forgive myself. Besides, I couldn’t just leave things as a mere dalliance.

• AW: Perhaps you are jumping the gun a little here. I think perhaps you should speak with him about your situation and work from there.